


Empty and Full

by SnubbingApollo



Series: Works in Progress [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb's amazing self-esteem, Developing Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Molly's not much better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 20:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14433774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnubbingApollo/pseuds/SnubbingApollo
Summary: Caleb doesn’t know what this is. He’d thought it would be a good way for Nott and him to hide, to shake off unwanted attention but it’s grown beyond that into something he can no longer control.





	Empty and Full

**Author's Note:**

> Soo... yeah apparently this fandom is happening to me. I _have_ decided that I'm not posting anything but already completed works anymore though, so you guys don't have to deal with anymore abandoned works in progress. *eyes Thicker Than Water balefully*. I suppose that makes the title of this series somewhat ironic doesn't it lol.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Caleb doesn’t know what this is. He’d thought it would be a good way for Nott and him to hide, to shake off unwanted attention but it’s grown beyond that into something he can no longer control. Jester’s smiles warm his heart in ways he thought no one but Nott would ever be able to again. His chest aches like something is missing when Yasha does her disappearing act. His fights with Beau have gotten more and more playful, their words less hurtful and more teasing, like siblings too close in age to admit how fond of each other they are. He’s begun to seek Fjord’s _approval_ , the man’s opinion of him beginning to guide his actions and words in ways he’s not sure he’s comfortable with. And Molly… he doesn’t know _what_ he feels for Molly. It’s a terrifying combination of what he feels for the rest of them, overwhelming and consuming.

This was meant to be temporary. To be a way to hide until the group no longer benefited them, but leaving now would be like ripping out five pieces of his _soul_. 

This is not fair to Nott. He is supposed to be for her. To keep her safe and care for her. She saved him in more ways than he can count and she should be his first, last, and _only_ consideration. He thought he could protect her from his selfishness, from his grasping, clinging nature, but that had been foolish. The only thing saving him from losing her entirely is likely the fact that she seems to like them as much as he does. Enough that she hasn’t noticed his shifting priorities.

He thinks perhaps that’s why he refused to put down the scroll. An attempt to sabotage this before he found himself too attached to leave. But it was clearly already too late. Having Fjord’s blade at his throat had been… _agony_ , but it had been his words more than anything else that had driven Caleb mad, spoken firmly with no hesitation.

_I will leave you here._

But of course, he should have seen it coming. Caleb was hardly vital to this group. They had three magic users in addition to himself and none of them froze up at inopportune times in the middle of _battles_. He was extraneous at best and now he was making a problem of himself. Of course they wouldn’t risk their own lives to indulge him and why should they? It hurt more than he’d have expected. And then Nott, sweet Nott, had pulled her crossbow and it wasn’t just that he was losing them anymore, he was _stealing_ them from Nott. People who could actually care for her, protect her.

But he still hadn’t put the damn scroll down. And then the whole building had exploded and he felt himself fading and he’d known this was it. He’d wake up here alone and be back in a prison cell by dawn.

Except that isn’t what happened. They’d carried him out of the building and down into the sewers and _healed_ him. And they’d kept him. Nott had apparently sat through something of a scolding but that had been the end of it. It wasn’t even being held over their heads. They were _trusting_ him again, just like that. Like he hadn’t nearly gotten them all killed.

He looks up from the book he’s not actually reading, taking them in. They’re scattered around the common area of the Nestled Nook, relaxing after their excursion into the tunnels under the city for the Gentleman. Nott is sitting with Jester and Beau and it makes his heart twinge at the same time as it warms him to see. A greedy part of himself he tries not to acknowledge is terribly jealous. She’d been his first friend and she’d been entirely his for nearly six months. It's good for her to have other people than just him, he knows that. Safer and healthier. But it still stings to know he has to share her now.

“Cute aren’t they?” a voice asks from his left and he jumps, turning to see Molly standing there with his hands up. “Woah there! Sorry, didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” Caleb relaxes, leaning back in his chair and watching as Molly sinks into the seat across from him.

“I was distracted,” he says with a slight shrug, before turning back to look at them. Jester is teaching Nott how to do a fishtail braid with the long bits of Beau’s hair. Beau looks… not entirely displeased about having her hair played with despite the front she tries to put up. “They are cute, ja.”

He looks back over at Molly, not entirely sure what to do with himself now that the other man is at his table. Should he go back to reading or would that be rude? Should he attempt to make conversation? What should he _say_?

“I’m not interrupting, am I?” Molly asked, gesturing to the book. A few weeks ago Caleb would have told him in no uncertain terms that he very much _was_ , but now… he shakes his head and closes his book with a small smile. Molly can no more _interrupt_ him than Nott could. His presence is never unwelcome. Molly smiles at the answer and Caleb is caught for a moment by the way it lights up his entire face.

“I wanted to thank you,” Molly says and Caleb is completely thrown off. He blinks in confusion, looking just over Molly’s left shoulder, losing his momentary bravery and having to look away from his eyes.

“Thank me for what?” he asks, brow furrowing. He wishes he’d left his book open. That would give him something to look at besides Molly’s too expressive face, too beautiful face.

“The other night,” Molly says, thankfully not attempting to lean to the side and catch his eyes. “For understanding and… just… I just wanted to thank you, that’s all.” His voice has gone serious and soft in a way Caleb’s not sure he’s heard it before and he glances back over to take in his expression briefly, before going back to studying the wall. He looks so… solemn? It looks wrong on his usually carefree face.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you at a loss for words, Mollymauk,” Caleb says in an attempt at a joke. It _works_ and Molly laughs a little, his mouth curving back into a smile and yes. That’s better.

“Yes, well,” he said, waving his hand dismissively and Caleb can’t be sure, between Molly’s skin tone and the fact that he’s looking mainly out of the corner of his eye but he thinks Molly might be _blushing_. It looks good, staining his lavender skin a darker purple just across his cheeks. Caleb is struck by an impulse to reach out and _touch_.

“You’re really not fond of eye contact are you?” Molly asks and Caleb winces, looking back at his face and finding not judgment or offense but curiosity. “It’s alright, you don’t have to force yourself if it’s not comfortable. I’ve just never seen someone avoid eyes as much as you do.”

Caleb swallows hard, looking away again, just over Molly’s shoulder. He studies the Tiefling’s jewelry as he speaks, the baubles and chains that dangle from his horn. Again the impulse to touch takes him and he considered sitting on his _hands_.

“I… eyes are… too much,” he says softly. “They see too much and I don’t... “

“You don’t like being seen,” Molly says gesturing around his face in a way that Caleb assumes is meant to indicate the mud and filth he covers himself in.

“No one looks twice at the filthy vagrant,” Caleb says with a nod. “They give you a wide berth, they don’t ask questions.”

Molly nods, resting his chin on his hand.

“I figured it was something like that,” he said. “Nott has her mask and you have yours.” Caleb chuckles.

“Yes, exactly.”

Molly hesitates a moment before continuing.

“Is there someone looking for a face that looks like yours?” he asks and Caleb can hear the caution in his voice. He glances back at his face and finds the Tiefling biting his lip and watching Caleb with an expression that… it’s not caution or distrust though it’s similar. Is it _concern_?

“You don’t have to tell me but if there is, knowing that would make it easier to keep them away from you,” Molly says and Caleb looks back at him fully. Molly blinks surprised, leaning back a little. “I get eye contact for that?” Caleb winces, looking down and to the side and Molly sighs.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“No, it’s alright,” Caleb murmurs. “I…” He forces himself to look back at Molly, at that _expression_ which only seems to have deepened over the last several seconds.

_I will leave you here._

Would Molly have _let_ Fjord leave him in the Richter’s house? He reminds himself firmly that Fjord _hadn’t_ left him.

“If we go to the Zemni Fields I may have… difficulty with the guards there. But I doubt… I don’t think anyone would follow me here,” he says softly. Molly nods.

“Nott said something about a prison,” he says and Caleb flinches, squeezing his eyes shut and trying not to think about windowless stone walls and bars and never knowing what time it was, what _day_ it was. What _year_ -

“Caleb!” Molly says his voice forceful but quiet, not drawing attention to them but yanking Caleb back to himself, to the present. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Are you alright?”

Caleb blinks slowly and Molly’s face comes back into view and he looks _stricken_. Caleb realizes Molly’s hand is on his face and he thinks for a moment the man had slapped him again like last time but there’s no lingering sting just a soft caress. He swallows hard.

“Entschuldigung,” he breathes. “I didn’t- I drifted a bit.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Molly said softly. He’s stroking Caleb’s face now, his thumb moving back and forth over Caleb’s cheekbone and Caleb doesn’t- he doesn’t know what to _do_ with that. How is he meant to respond? Should he lean into it? He wants to but… he should pull away, shouldn’t he? Let Molly know that he’s here now and it’s not necessary anymore. But what if he does and the man thinks it’s because he didn’t like it? What if he never does it _again_?

_Why_ would he do it again? Caleb is being selfish, like always.

“You- you don’t have to- I’m fine now,” he says shakily and Molly freezes, giving Caleb a look that edges on _heartbreak_ and _no_. That's not what he wanted. He just wanted Molly to know he didn’t have to keep touching him he hadn’t meant to _hurt_ him. “I’m sorry-”

“It’s okay, Caleb,” Molly says, pulling his hand away. He doesn’t go far though, dropping it to cover one of Caleb’s on the table. Caleb looks down at their touching hands blinking rapidly. When was the last time someone other than Nott had touched him with kindness? He could remember exactly, of course, and that was a memory he didn’t _want_. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

Molly’s thumb is stroking along the back of his hand now and Caleb doesn’t _understand_.

“Why didn’t you leave me?” he asks suddenly, not even sure where the question is coming from. It's Molly’s turn to blink in confusion.

“What?” he asks, and Caleb glances up from their hands to see the man’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“In the Richter’s house. Fjord wanted to, so why didn’t you?”

Molly has gone very still and Caleb doesn’t look up at him. This was… he was painfully aware that he was being ungrateful right now. They’d chosen to save his life and keep him with them and he should be happy and move on, but here he is questioning them and-

Molly’s other hand is on his now, sliding beneath it so the other man is holding it in both of his. Caleb does not look up.

“We’re not going to leave you _behind_ Caleb,” Molly said firmly. “You’re part of this group. Part of this _family_.”

“Family,” Caleb breathes softly. “Is that what we are?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Molly says firmly. “And families fight but they don’t abandon each other.” He gives a weak laugh.

“Besides, Nott would have riddled us all with crossbow bolts if we’d tried.”

Caleb winces, pulling his hand away. He has to speak with her about that. It is more important that she have this group, the safety and shelter of numbers, than that she have him. She has to understand that her safety is more important. Her _happiness_. He looks back over at the three girls. Nott’s attempting to braid Beau’s hair now under Jester’s instruction and she isn’t doing half bad.

Caleb doesn’t know how to braid hair. He could never have taught her that. Could never have put that smile on her face.

She doesn’t need him anymore. She needs to be ready to let him go if they demand it again.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking but I don’t like that expression,” Molly says and his voice has gone dark, but when Caleb looks back at him he doesn’t look angry. Molly is so hard to _read_.

“I am a very selfish person,” he breathes and Molly frowns.

“I don’t think that’s true,” he says and Caleb gives him a sad smile.

“You don’t really know me.”

Something twitches behind Molly’s eyes, something furious, but it’s gone almost as quickly as it emerged and Caleb is reminded why he hates eyes. He will remember that expression forever. The moment Molly began to suspect that Caleb might be misleading him, hiding the ugly parts of himself away and tricking him into friendship.

He expects the man to pull away, to leave the table, but he doesn’t.

“I know you better than whoever convinced you you’re a bad person,” Molly says and his voice is firm and low. The kind of tone you can’t argue with. Caleb blinks and looks back up at him. Something in him wants to take this moment to prove Molly wrong, to list out every evil thing he’s ever done so that Molly will know how mistaken he is. But he doesn’t because he is a coward and he’s benefiting from Molly’s lack of knowledge. He can’t quash the urge to fight against the understanding on Molly’s face entirely though.

“Oh? And what is it you know about me, Mollymauk?” he asks his own voice sinking into a dangerous octave. Molly doesn’t take the bait at all, voice steady and eyes kind as he speaks.

“I know that you took in a goblin and that that goblin loves you so much that she’s willing to fight off four people to keep you safe. Most people would have looked at her and only saw what she looked like, but not you. I know that Frumpkin only does what you tell him to and that he _somehow_ manages to find us all when we’re feeling down and snuggle up with us. I know that you _tried_ to help Yasha flirt with Beau by having it look like she picked out the darts that you bought, even though they’re both too clueless to figure it out. I know that when I was upstairs being asked all sorts of uncomfortable questions you looked me in the eye even though I know now how hard that is for you and you called me my full name. _My_ name not the name of whoever got buried in the dirt two years ago, _mine_ ,” Molly said. “Those aren't the sorts of things selfish people do.”

Caleb swallows hard, looking away. Molly sighs, but it isn’t angry or frustrated or disappointed. If anything he sounds sad.

“It’s okay if you don’t believe me right now, Caleb,” he says. “We’ll work on it.”

“And what happens if I do something to prove you wrong?” Caleb asks. The challenge is gone from his voice now and he sounds… soft and frightened.

“No one’s perfect Caleb,” Molly tells him. “Everybody does bad things, but that doesn’t erase all the good things you’ve done.” Caleb shakes his head.

“I envy you,” he says softly, and he _hates_ himself for saying it. For _ruining_ this. “Not being able to remember.”

Molly just gives that same sad sigh.

“Yeah, I’ll bet you do,” he says softly. And Caleb can’t… he can't _take_ this. He can't take Molly being so kind and still thinking-

“You are not empty, Mollymauk,” he says firmly and Molly frowns tilting his head.

“I know that.” 

Caleb shakes his head.

“Do you?” he asks, making himself look at Molly. “A Mollymawk is a type of seabird that’s commonly portrayed in songs as the ghost of a dead sailor. Your initials are M.T.” He emphasized the sounds of the two letters drawing them out and highlighting the eerie similarity to the word 'empty'.

Molly stares at him for a moment before laughing a little.

“You know, you’re the first one to put all that together?” he asks, shaking his head. “I named myself two years ago, Caleb. I didn’t know anything about myself so I drew from what I _did_ know. I know more now.” He gives a careless shrug.

“So you’re a work in progress then?” Caleb asks and Molly grins.

“Exactly. Always learning new things about myself,” he says. “We can be works in progress together.”

Caleb scoffs, looking away and Molly reaches out pinching his arm gently.

“Ow!” Caleb yelps looking back over at him, his protest dying in his throat when he sees Molly’s face gone serious and soft again.

“You’re not empty either, Caleb,” he says and Caleb freezes for a long moment caught in his gaze and unable to free himself.

“I… I know that,” he murmurs. If anything he is too _full_. Filled to the brim and overflowing with too many memories. Spilling out over his top all over the floor. Molly reaches out and takes his hand again.

“Do you?”

Caleb is extremely uncomfortable having his own words turned against him like this. He swallows hard, caught now in a trap of his own making.

“I have Nott,” he says. “And- and the rest of you.” For now, at least.

“That’s _us_ Caleb. You don’t need us to be whole.”

That was increasingly untrue. It became _more_ untrue by the moment. Caleb was little better than a leech, taking from them and benefiting from them and offering so _little_ in return. A cuckoo who’d secreted his way into their nest.

Molly gives him a sad smile, squeezing his hand gently.

“That’s okay,” he says again. “You don’t have to believe me right now. Works in progress.”

“Whatever you say, Molly,” Caleb murmurs, squeezing his hand again. He is a selfish person. He will take this kindness for as long as it's offered to him, whether he deserves it or not. And when he finally loses it, he'll have the memories.


End file.
